okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
