Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
