I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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