i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
