I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
