a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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