We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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