my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
