Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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