Can i not drive my cunt home
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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