like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
