is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
