i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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