My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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