dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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