I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
