dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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