Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
