my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
