my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
