we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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