please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
