What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
