Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
