I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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