Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
