Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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