These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
