our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
