I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
