In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
