Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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