Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
