It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
