Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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