i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
