my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
