My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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