The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
