I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
