he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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