my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
