I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
