Umm I'm too high to move.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
