At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
