Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
