So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
