you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
