I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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