I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
3 2 1 whiskey
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
